... makes me never want to eat again... I ate way more than I meant to yesterday but I was having stomach cramps and running to the bathroom nearly all day yesterday. I was going to go to laser tag though and just burn it all off but I felt awful still. Today I weighed myself and was at 152 yesterday I was 154. Damn really? Well the hell isn't over yet because my stomach still hurts and already lost another pound. I haven't eaten yet today because it hurts so much. Ugh. I don't like this at all but don't mind the weight loss...

Sick of it.
Sick of people I hate people. I know everything is normal but it's not. Everything is closing in and making me anxious depressed and I hate it! I hate it I hate people I want to cut, starve, and lay in my bed until I rot into nothing. I feel sick and unwanted. People don't care about other people. Also I am terrified with the fact that I will soon have to get up and leave school to go work. No school till I save up the money to go get my Masters. I LIVE for school. I like work but every summer I always look forward to school. I have this year and next year to prepare to be without that safety blanket and I am terrified. I don't know how I'll manage. People tell me that I am so talented and skilled but I am terrified that directors, Shops, and other employers won't notice that.

UGGGGHHH!!!!!

So my week slowly got better. SLOWLY. Until I started noticing the scale not budge. Fuck my life... I was hoping to be 150 by tomorrow but I am stuck at 153 again. Why does this happen? I walked close to 5 miles every day and did some exercises... Sadly I didn't have time to do all of the reps from the seventeen pages but I'll make time. Yea I brought my lunch but I didn't think it was very much...

This week will be better though. I will make it better I will only eat what I make I won't take a couple of pieces of candy every day. I will get down into the 140's again. I have to.

It's only the second day of school and I feel like utter shit... I was forgotten about yesterday for a shop dinner and ended up getting super depressed. It was the worst I've felt in ages. It took everything that I had to not cut and I only managed a half a potato for dinner. I know getting left out for dinner is silly but EVERYONE was invited... except... for me... I'm already having to deal with being in TWO classes with my ex who insists on being an ass when he is around me. It's just really upsetting and it's hard to deal with. I feel awful about everything and I feel so secluded. I know I have great talent and I understand that people are jealous of it but I have taken drawing classes since I was in preschool and been sewing for over 10 years! YES I am going to be good at what I do. I have a different perspective than other people but that does not make me better or them worse. I am only better than my self the last time I did something, not better than so and so or what's his name.

I haven't been this depressed in AGES!!! Some one freaking save me... I know my ex wants me back but he is making me hate him yet I want to get back with him because I some what miss how it was and just want him to stop too... ugh.... I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!

I recently got back from my beach trip and of course we ate out at every meal. I think I did pretty well. I didn't gain any weight which was a plus I'm just having to deal with wanting to eat too much since my stomach stretched out again. I got a bunch of veggies and stuff for the week as to detox a bit and hopefully get all the junk out from the vaycay. Luckily I ate mostly veg and grilled shrimp or fish and always with lots of spice! We walked a lot and I splashed and swam in the ocean for a few hours a day so I think that's how I managed to maintain.

I don't know if you collect Seventeen magazine( yes I'm 21 and read Seventeen...), but they have great tear out work out plans that I've been collecting and taping to my door. I'm gunna try and do what each one says twice a day. So each month there will be one more to do! I'm such a genius.

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